I’m Not Travelling Solo...
I’m Traveling With Debt
Living on a budget is challenging when money management isn’t my forte; however, I am determined to learn and get better at it.
Going back to my Core experiences with money, I grew up poor and can’t remember ever handling it until I had a my first job at VONS when I was 16 years old.
I had this stockpile of cash in my desk drawer that eventually I spent it entirely on friends party entrance fees and mind expanding and altering substances.
Eventually, I was living a socially acceptable life working 40 hours a week, taking courses at a community college and struggling to pay rent in San Diego Low Income Housing and could barely purchase groceries that nourished my body.
Fed up with that draining routine, I turned to a job that supplied me with more freedom and income than I could ever imagine.
Stripping allowed me creative freedom and expression beyond my wildest dreams.
As money rolled in, it rolled out just as quickly.
If I were to give advice to a stripper, I’d tell her to get a financial advisor and learn about money management, NOW.
I did save a nice portion of my earnings, but big ticket purchases were inevitable.
So there I was, making gobs of money and having nothing to really show for it.
Looking at my relationship to money and the beliefs that I have...
I'm not attached to money, but I haven't valued it enough to allow it to work for me.
For 10 years I’ve been dancing around this unhealthy relationship to money.
Holding onto this unconscious belief that is linked to my worthiness.
Today I acknowledge this truth, publicly, in honor of my ability to choose and change.
This has been a struggle for me for many years, as I have fluctuated between having money and not having any to my name.
I’ve been managing this feast or famine mentality.
My mother taught me to say “I’m saving money” rather than “I don’t have any money”.
That was a helpful adjustment for my mind to grasp, but I still struggle with the big picture of over-committing myself to the money I don’t have, because the prospect of having it quickly is a possibility.
Becoming a minimalist has been part of my process of healing my relationship to money.
Breaking my life down to the bare basics to practically start over and re-build has been what I imagined would help me the most.
So here I am, with most of my belongings in my Passat Wagon, random income, a decent amount of debt, and the desire to be completely liberated.
I’m traveling around with the opportunity to strip in various clubs around the United States(because that’s the way the business is) to fund my monthly payments, gas, food, and social outings.
Ideally, I want to shift the way I fund my life, so I can fully heal my relationship with money.
There are money coaches out there I’ve got my eye on, like Jolie Dawn.
I’ve been following her on Social Media for over a year and telling myself I would save up to hire her to gain a new perspective on how to manage money, but I just can’t seem to catch up on any financials I’ve already committed to.
Today is a day of being vulnerable and sharing that I haven't been managing money well.
I create my own rituals to help me heal my relationship to money.
I will consciously choose my beliefs about money from now on.
I will rework the ideas I have about money to include properties of support and abundance.
I will integrate the flow of giving and receiving into my relationship and beliefs about the function of money.
Thank you for bearing witness to my process.
Writing is just the beginning.
I forgive myself for not being farther along.
I accept myself for where I am now.
I breathe in fresh air.
I exhale doubts.
I inhale opportunities to make money.
I exhale actions that provide financial freedom.
I inhale my wholeness and worthiness of receiving money.
I exhale releasing money in support of myself.
Do you ever wish you could just put those rose colored lenses on and see life through a perspective that only sees positivity, joy and light?
The thing that keeps coming up for me in my observation of when people are doing this, is whether they honor other people’s experiences while wearing these glasses.
It’s all good when you have your glasses on, however, it can go wrong when the person wearing them projects their experience on others.
Because not everyone is on your path, it’s important to be a witness to others and allow them to be on their path.
Release the judgement, be free and enjoy a life of positivity.
Staying connected to your center, source and power is the only way others will begin to see the benefit of this perspective and begin to put on their own glasses to shift their consciousness.
You have control over your experience and yours alone.
So the question is, what actions will you take to reinforce your experience of this wisdom that will improve your quality of life that also honors other people’s experience (improving their quality of life, too!)
Here are the 4 best things I can offer you in your journey into living A Life Of Positivity:
1. Be A Witness To Your Language
Listening without judgement to your language is the first step to changing it to serve your highest good.
Begin to listen to the words you choose when communicating with yourself and others.
Do you tend to bring conversations towards the worst scenarios?
Do you narrow in on the feelings of pain, lack, separation, or unworthiness?
In conversation with yourself and others, do you fill in the space with words that hurt or words that uplift?
By becoming aware of how you use words, you are on your way to becoming more positive.
2. Stay Connected To Your Center and Command Your Experience
This ensures that you stay in your experience and allow others the opportunity to witness you in your presence of positivity rather than feeling bullied into being positive.
By staying connected to your center, you remain in a place of non-judgement, of yourself and others.
Honoring your journey allows everyone else space to grow and follow their own path.
Stepping outside of your heart centered connection, you move into a path of judgement and fear.
By projecting your positivity and telling others what to do or say creates a hostile environment, which is exactly the opposite of what you desire.
The act of projecting positivity can lead people to feeling like a victim, leaving them sinking into a place of thinking they aren’t good enough just the way they are.
The truth is that that are good enough just the way they are and you want to highlight that aspect of their being.
By staying connected to yourself through presence, you allow others and yourself access to a life of positivity that radiates healing beyond your being and out into the world.
By recognizing your projections and judgement, you can begin to seize opportunities to love yourself and grow in the direction of positivity even more.
3. Don't be afraid to feel ALL the emotions
Emotions are not negative.
Feelings of pain, frustration, anger, rage, sadness, loneliness are all real human experiences that should not be neglected when on this path of positivity.
Repressing, shaming, ignoring or avoiding these feelings within yourself and others is oppressive and does more harm than good.
The path is unique to everyone and if these arise, it's a beautiful opportunity to witness them and use them as a catalyst for the change you desire.
These emotions come up for a reason and trusting your intuition to allow your natural flow is something empowering.
By allowing and witnessing yourself and others to experience the wide range of emotions without judgement, you gain more access and choice over your experience of life.
4. Change Your Language
In social situations, don’t be afraid to express where you are in your growth to the people around you and that you are practicing changing your perspective to be more positive.
There is so much empowerment in the process of sharing where you are and what you’re striving towards in terms of your growth and development.
This honesty is a gift and gives others permission to do the same.
Because this is an ongoing practice, forgive yourself often and release any desire for perfection.
Change happens gradually and if your intention and practice is diligent, it will come.
Releasing the expectation for when your positivity will reign will bring it about with more ease and joy.
I'm in a hotel in El Paso right now. Yesterday I wrote some notes about what I wanted to write about, but when I pulled up my screen last night my mind wasn't up to the task of such a mental challenge to magically make the statements I wrote into some poetic story with a meaningful message behind it.
So I dug around for some older writings to share and found this piece that resonates strongly with this video I listened to while driving. I'll share the writing that expresses my knowing of my place in this world as an energetically sensitive person after I share a little about the video.
The video was titled, The Karmic Return.
In this hour plus discussion, Matt Kahn describes seriously and comically the different stages and pathways to awakening the masculine narcissist, the energetically sensitive feminine, and then the integration of the two in the gut (these don't have anything to do with gender).
All equally important, but require fundamentally different choices that lead to liberation.
While the narcissist awakens to the mind, recognizing that they aren't alone in this world, the energetically sensitive awakens to the heart, leading the collective world towards love and unity.
Knowing I'm an energetically sensitive soul, I wept in recognition of my own path and choices I've made to arrive in this moment.
Traveling the path of awakening, trying all the things, I've found myself sometimes succeeding, yet always finding a way to expose my insecurities, feelings of pain, abandonment, separation, and ultimately, unworthiness.
I have been working with this core idea intensely for the past month.
It's been showing itself to me time after time and I'm relieved and feel so blessed to have had this video show up in my life, offering me some guidance to healing my incessant wound that holds me back from true greatness.
I feel like I've touched parts of my greatness before, yet somehow it continues to waver.
I'm excited to pay myself some deep presence with this wisdom and intentional focus of love (even MORE than I do now)!
Reflecting on the yesterday, I woke up at a friend's house in Austin, to which I'm so grateful.
I took some time for self care before I left, ensuring my Body and Mind were ready for the trip.
I used my dyna disk to work my ankle stabilizers and wake up my gluteal muscles.
Afterwards, I used my awesome FasciaBlaster on my Achilles to loosen up the ankle and provide more range of motion and decrease the pain.
I found myself sitting on the stoop of the house, meditating and finding deep gratitude for all those who have allowed me space to blossom in their presence; to those who have seen me without me begging to be seen.
I did some breathing that really fired me up and prepared my whole system to go.
I stood up and made my way from Austin to El Paso, stopping in Sonora to fix a flat tire and Balmorhea State Park to take a dip in the spring fed pool.
While I was driving, I listened to this video that offered me blissful explosions of joyful tears from the recognition of my Self.
If you consider yourself and energetically sensitive person, please do yourself a favor and click the link to the video.
I'm curious to see who else resonates this deeply with the Karmic Return.
The Awakening Path
This journey you’re on is not only for you.
There are billions on this planet: hurting, neglected, hungry, thirsty, cold, sick, confused, lonely, sad, overwhelmed, and afraid.
There are billions on this planet who need your help.
You are the key to unlocking this pain in the world.
When you commit to the life of being awake, you also commit to saving the world.
You will make a difference.
You will spread the message to others by simply existing.
You will share with them your knowledge of survival and how to thrive, leading by example.
The world depends on you doing the work within.
When you open the door to your own personal suffering, you step into a place of love.
From that moment, true freedom can be witnessed and known.
Once you have liberated yourself from suffering, by acknowledging your pain, you are in a place to explore what else it means to be human.
Connecting and sharing with others is the sweetest bliss to experience.
Being in the presence of a human soul as they share their gifts in the purest form of expression is the greatest blessing.
Upon honoring our distinct physical and experiential boundaries and seeing our infinite soul connection that bonds us, we are able to come together as community.
This is the time to unite.
This is the moment to create something that that will unravel the destruction of this earth.
This is our opportunity to save the world and we’ll do it together.
Do you feel like you want to travel more?
If you have the desire to travel...
...your soul might be calling out to you.
Physically traveling in the outer world allows an inner, parallel journey to happen within that satisfies the soul in so many ways.
Travel can be a pathway to ‘finding yourself’, or touching your Soul.
By meeting new people and seeing new places, you're gifted reflections of Self that can be integrated into your being, providing more material to develop the the archetype of the highest self.
I’d say that I’ve been on this journey for a while now, but for some reason I love these thresholds, these moments of initiations.
Giving presence to these moments of large shifts and changes, I feel empowered to be open to receive the gold nuggets hidden within the lessons I will receive.
As I set forth on this intentional path, I’m acknowledging that I’m seeking to discover my deepest “why”.
I'm in search of the core of my desire to travel.
As of right now, on the surface, I understand this journey of mine to be one of continued self exploration.
As I write, I find clarity in each word and each expression.
I see life before my eyes as I stand witness to the experiences I’ve had and gaze in wonder at the future ahead.
I’m on a mission to solidify these past experiences into a context that is drawn down from the ethereal, mystical, and magical realm and transmuted into this physical, tangible world that is something shareable.
From my University degree in Kinesiology to my passions in the holistic health industry to the sex work industry, I acknowledge my passions and weave them together as I exist on this planet with each breath I take.
I’m sitting here in a place of not knowing what the future holds.
But who ever really knows?
The challenge is to learn how to be comfortable with the uncomfortable feelings of the unknown.
Resting in this place of having more questions than answers sure is curious.
The true, unknown purpose of this trip is supported by this deep trust in my process and the flow of life that continues to serve and provide gifts of wisdom each day.
My car is fully packed with many lifetimes of supplies: clothes for cold and hot weather, health and fitness gear for my own personal and private training sessions, stripping/dancing gear, camping gear, car sleeping gear, writing and art supplies, & food/water/supplements and a collection of ritual/alter items.
I have a few routes to obtain money to support this journey, however, my goal is to fully align my deepest desires with my actions, creating a life where I am able to live and breathe healing work with people in a nourishing environment that build upon their strengths to empower them to live the life they choose.
Ultimately, I’d like to work with people in a capacity that strengthens body awareness and self love through conscious activities and movements that nurture the body, mind and soul in a way that reveals the courageous, authentic core within each of us.
I’m passionate about sharing mindful movement/exercise, spiritual Pilates with breath work, expressive and creative dance, meditations, writing activities, & creating rituals of self love forgiveness and strength.
So I’m on this journey of life, working my magic each day; dreaming of a life filled with people who nourish my strengths, speak to my heart and allow me graceful space to expand.
I’m on this inner and outer travelling path of exploration and adventure.
I’m devoted to myself and this my path of growth and development to be the most magnificent being I can be.
Is your soul reaching out to you? Are you listening for it's call?
It comes from your depths and is relentless in its presence.
Your Soul is demanding your attention and acknowledgment.
The question to ask yourself is how will you pay it presence to fuel the life of almighty alignment, integrity and bliss.
Your Soul is waiting. Will you answer the call?
As I grow and shift as a human, so will my blog. Let's enjoy the ride.
I’ll be sharing my inner and outer journey along the way and I’d love it if you shared my journey with people who you think will resonate. Message me if you want to meet up somewhere along the way to do some healing work together. Trades available.
With much love,
I've been in Austin, Texas on and off since January. The longest stay was in the month of May where I mainly slept in a woman's kid's playhouse with a loft to sleep in and a slide out into her backyard. She was kind enough to let me use her hot tub, allow me in the house, use her kitchen and share food. A few times I stayed at another good friend's house and for a few days I went camping out at Texas' Regional Burning Man, Burning Flipside.
As life continues to shift and change, I’m finding myself sleeping in my Passat wagon that's not even paid for yet. It's leaning into summertime here in Austin and it's hot out, and still hot and humid at night. I have slept with the windows incrementally rolled down each night. I wonder whether I'll have a neighbor saying hello to my naked self in the morning. Don't worry, I choose safe and well lit places to park, although I think sometimes it might be a good idea to just pitch a tent somewhere.
You might be wondering why I’m homeless. I’m even hesitant to claim that word because the word homeless is defined as:
(a person) without a home, and therefore typically living on the streets.
"the plight of young homeless people"
of no fixed address, without a roof over one's head, on the streets, vagrant, displaced, dispossessed, destitute, down-and-out.
Based on this definition, I can say I’m homeless, because I’m living on the streets, albeit in a car, with no fixed address. The sentence example and the synonyms are the reasons why I’m hesitant to claim such a descriptor. I’m certainly not displaced, dispossessed, destitute or down and out. I have a car, many belongings to ensure my comfort, including a mattress pad and blankets in the back of my car, toothbrush and toothpaste,soap, shoes, credit cards, water, food, and access to knowledge and other necessities to support my well being.
I’m happy, healthy, and homeless.
My goal here is to not glorify being homeless. There are thousands of literally homeless people here in Austin due to many reasons and most likely not by choice. I see them struggling and have deep empathy and compassion for their journey. I want to be clear, that the last thing I want to do is shame those who are homeless and not in my circumstance of life.
I simply would like to share my personal experience.
This Isn’t My First Time Being Homeless
I was born in Frankfurt Germany, because my dad was in the Army. After that, my Mom took us to San Diego after I was almost a year old. From San Diego to Orlando, Florida, to San Antonio Texas, to San Diego, I went to 8 different elementary schools, 1 middle school, 2 high schools, 4 colleges and just as many homes.
When I was around 7 years old, I remember staying at my mom’s best friend’s house with my mom, two siblings and the friend’s husband and 3 kids in Orlando, Florida. At the time, my Mom was unable to afford housing and food due to an ankle injury that prevented her from working. At some point in Orlando, we stayed with another one of my mom’s friends and my Mom was taken to jail for welfare fraud, which was the reason why my brother and sister and I went to go live with my Dad in San Antonio, Texas. She spent 10 days in jail, another 21 days in jail, and finally another 4 days in jail in San Diego. Since then she’s paid $8,000 back, completed 300 hours of community service, and 5 years probation. My mom became a victim of the system as the district attorney announced they were making an example out of her.
So this lifestyle of homelessness is pretty familiar, relying on the generosity of strangers in times of need, finding work where possible and giving when there is something to give.
Why Am I Choosing To Be Homeless Right Now?
My intention when I left San Diego in November of 2016 was to discover a life that allowed me space to be. Simply be. You know? Live without anxiety, stress, dis-ease, guilt, shame, or pain. I wanted to be present with myself and everyone around me and I wanted to cultivate a life that supported my desire to dance and play for a lifetime. I know in my heart there is a way to honor this desire, integrating it with this life I’m living.
To continue the process of allowing myself space to be, I’ve been systematically removing the layers of muck that I’ve piled on throughout the years that dull my soul’s brightness. I see clarity in why I’m doing what I’m doing now as a way of processing my childhood experience of moving around. I’ve adapted to this life in a way that works for me, yet there is passive pain hidden under the surface of my strength. I’ve been longing to process this memory to further remove another layer that will allow me to simply be, without expressing or projecting pain upon others. I'm consciously choosing to live this way because there is a deep knowing and trust within that I need this opportunity to heal my past wounds.
The little girl inside longs for closure to this experience. She wants all of her feelings to be honored. The ones that include feeling like she wasn’t enough. The ones that made her feel abandoned. The ones that made her feel sad and alone. She knows she's adaptable. She knows she’s flexible and can grown from any challenge, but she wants her pain to be heard. She wants to be acknowledged that she is sensitive.
I write today to be heard. To be known that I have pain from my past and I’m sharing here to allow my little girl space to process and grow from a healing place of compassion and acknowledgement.
It’s funny because the original reason that I was going to share as my reason for being homeless turns out to be more superficial than I believed. I thought it was because I wanted to continue exploring what it is that I want to do to support my financial needs and discover how little I could comfortably live off while integrating regenerative living lifestyle practices into my life.
I've been allowing myself space to percolate, to write, to wonder, and nurture my physical, mental, emotional and spiritual self. Little did I know my little girl was quietly waiting to speak up. She's always been kind quiet, and would wait until people spoke to her before coming out of her shell.
I’m seeing my existence, my life expression as deep, yet my understanding of it barely touches the surface. I’m learning to dive deeper every day, to understand why I do the things I do, as I become a witness to my actions, behaviors and choices. Trusting myself is a huge part of this process.
I’m finding here in Austin I’m not alone in this nomadic, wanderer lifestyle. It’s a common choice for many that I come across. I'm curious to hear their stories of their purpose and of their path.
I keep revisiting the question of what I’m doing here in Austin and now I see. I’m in deep process of childhood events. I’m learning and growing every day. Amidst the chaos there is something simple to extract. A lesson to be learned, a message to be heard. Each day is an exploration of possibilities and adventure. What's next, I wonder!?
What is your current life story telling you about your childhood?
Aimee, 30 years old views life as a gift and an opportunity to live your dreams. Stick around to hear how she does it and supports you in doing it, too.